//to love at all is to be vulnerable

Tonight while studying for my metallic materials summer class, I had a self-revelation. If you know me at all, you probably know I hate talking about feelings (this is not the revelation, this is an obvious statement). I like logic, facts, stated problems, and definite solutions. For an example, see first sentence: metals, like the steels I was studying, don’t talk back and ask you why you're feeling sad – hence why I like them. Other things I don’t like include the test I have on Thursday, uncertainty about my future, and processing emotions. That’s fine, friends. I’m who I am; and you are who you are. But let me explain an overlooked and massively incorrect perspective I realized tonight that I am holding, and I’m pretty confident at least someone else here on earth holds as well:

The Lie

Being vulnerable and sharing what’s really going on in my life is selfish. I’m making people listen to my petty issues, wasting their time, complaining, being melodramatic, making mountains out of molehills, etc. My pain is so insubstantial compared to ___. So Alicia, you should probably just not bother anyone ever.

Let me explain: someone asks you, “How are you?” You have basically two options: you’re fine, or you tell the truth, which requires more than a measly, single syllable. But to share that you’re stressed, hurting, in pain, depressed, anxious takes too much of someone’s time. They don’t really care, and you don’t want to inconvenience them by burdening them with your problems. But, as reiteration, that's a lie straight from Satan that deserves NO power over you or over me.

It is true, when a friend confides in me, I hurt for them… but am never burdened by them or their bravery. I want to fix their problems and comfort them and remove the source of agony. But – here’s the revelation – that’s how we were created! We are all broken people surrounded by more broken people who were created to be able to trust each other and carry each other’s burdens with strength that comes from the Living God. But how can we do that if we don’t ever let anyone see who we really are? (Rhetorical question pointed at myself... even though I am willing to listen to other people when they come to me, why do I fear the inverse?)  

What I invaluably realized today (instead of what steel element has what alloying feature) is that being vulnerable is NEVER selfish. I’m not relying on other people to save me, I’m already saved. If you – like me – have been chained by the lie that acting in the character you were created to have is wrong, please learn with me that vulnerability (ooh, buzz word) is not selfish. If you really need to talk to someone, call them up any time. Ask them to stay up a little later, ask them to sacrifice a little time. That’s not being self-centered, it’s showing humility. Everyone has issues, and we all need someone to listen. Darling, be daring and ask for help. The healing and relief that comes after opening up is seriously physically healthy. I'm still working on this but can attest, this is truth.

Friends, I want to encourage everyone to be more willing when someone comes needing a friend. If someone is waiting for an opportunity but already massively hesitating, your closed door and closed heart could destroy any confidence. Fear of vulnerability is being afraid to have your heart broken. It’s avoiding pain. So when people like me do share our hearts with you, understand the magnitude and weight of our choice. Do not stomp on us or judge us. Because if you do, we will involuntarily shut down and shut you out in an instant. We must all realize that the people around us are indubitably more valuable than our schedules or to do lists. 

One final thing I want to mention, not only should our hearts break with the broken, but we should rejoice together at the supremely great parts of life. Share in struggles; share in victories. Our victories will be even more powerful when experienced with someone who can truly celebrate alongside us. This takes time too, but if relationships are going to grow, time must be spent in mutual joy as well. Life is short; savor every moment and learn from the bitter.

 “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

//christians can...

Have tattoos.

Listen to secular music.

Go to bars.

Love sinners.

Forgive.

Miss a church event to do schoolwork in the major the Lord has called them to do.

Struggle with self-image.

Struggle with homosexuality.

Have different worship styles.

Be rich.

Have bizarre hair colors.

Pursue a career.

Get angry at injustices.

Be unified as one church.

Have differing beliefs.

Wear makeup.

Be famous.

Be upset and disappointed.

Be unsure about the future.

Break stereotypes.

Be strong.

Share the gospel without using words.

Have lots of piercings.

Doubt.

Have confidence. 

//christians can not...

Be hypocritical.

Judge.

Hate.

Do anything that is unforgivable.

Manipulate control of your life.

Ignore.

Have disjoint goals.

Pretend to be sinless.

Hurt Christ’s reputation.

Be a doormat.

Point fingers at scapegoats.

Be exclusive.

Be schismatic.

Critique God’s perfect creation.

Criticize how God created your body.

Earn salvation.

Let doubts dictate your life.

christians cannot be perfect. but Jesus has conquered. 

//character development

The other day, I watched a lot of Netflix (and by a lot, I mean a season and a half of The Walking Dead in a single day, no regrets). One of the reasons I hate (actually love) this show is because of the utterly brilliant growth of characters. The initial dichotomy of good and evil becomes so convoluted and intertwined it is impossible to know what the characters will do. Indubitably, character development is what draws us to these insane shows with mad passion. It is because we all relate profoundly to the various aspects and struggles these characters face in their fictional worlds.

If this semester were to be a season in a show of my life, I would say it would be a memorable one; one I will look back on frequently as a site of radical alteration and serious growth as a person. And it started with a bang. Picture a fiercely independent, yet totally naïve main character (aka me) preparing to trudge through another semester of uncertainty. Opening scene of the season, I was totally blindsided by the ascending prominence of a previously minor character. In other words, I began dating. For the first time ever. Insert massive panic. Even though this guy had become one of my best friends throughout the year, I was in shock for… a long time. Growing up, I had subconsciously began to believe there was something fundamentally wrong with me as a person because society said value was found in guys liking you, and none ever seemed to. Ergo, I was not beautiful or worthy of love. Well let me pause to say, screw society. There is nothing wrong with you, man or woman, if you have never dated, even if you’re deep into college and everyone around you is getting rings by spring. I realize now – after so long – I am beyond grateful God did not place anyone in my life prematurely, because I would have seriously messed it up. Because of this, I can honestly say I am one of very few who avoided immense amounts of pain and heartbreak from previous, empty, pointless relationships, for which I am so thankful. I wish I could go back and tell insecure, teenage and freshman Alicia, with her façade of confidence, that God has something He was going to introduce in His perfect timing. God has blown my mind with his perfect timing, evidenced by the amazing relationship I was beginning. And because I was entering into a completely new ball game, I was forced to rely on the Lord and the wise, godly counsel around me to learn the rules and the playing field. I had ZERO clue what I had gotten myself into; therefore, I could not try to control everything myself. It is super cool how faithful the Lord is in showing up and guiding when things are totally out of your control. How infinitely forgiving He is. How beautiful something can turn out when its foundation’s epicenter is Christ.

  

So insert a few episodes about amazing dates, tragic Aggie football games, and countless hours spent studying. Everything is reasonably smooth sailing, but everyone can feel the building pressure of some upcoming event: deciding what to do for the rest of my life. If you have read my past blogs, you know my dream is to work for NASA or some other company in the space field after obtaining my aerospace engineering degree. Mid-sophomore year, I had my second chance to apply for entry-into-major (I was rejected in the initial summer round). Based upon my grades freshman year (want to hear a joke? My freshman year GPA), I knew acceptance into aero would be a miracle. Thankfully I follow a God of miracles. When I sent my application, I had applied for two highly competitive majors and two majors I knew I could get in to. I clicked submit and then incessantly prayed for God to open the door He wanted open, close all the other doors that needed to be shut, and make it so evident that I could not argue or doubt myself. Well, He did that, and I got my answer back mid-semester. One door was open; all the others were shut in very, very blatant ways. I was accepted into Mechanical and Manufacturing Engineering Technologies (MMET, remember this acronym)… not Aerospace. Here I faced a choice. I knew the amount of prayer from me, and from countless people around me, regarding this circumstance meant this was one-hundred percent, unarguably God’s plan. Was it what I wanted? Absolutely not. Was this God calling me to surrender all of my life – like I’ve sung in worship for all my life but never truly had to live out in a difficult way – including lifelong dreams and aspirations? Yes. Was I heartbroken? I’m going to be honest, yes. This decision was difficult; it’s that plot twist you really did not want to happen. Was it easy to choose God’s plan over my human tendencies toward anger and disappointment? No, it was not. However, I had prayed so sincerely for doors to be opened and others to be closed and for it to be blatantly evident; therefore, I could not argue. This was a supremely rare occasion where God answered my prayer clearly. So as much as my human frailty wanted to argue and kick and scream, I could not. Here, I had to decide whether my own plans or the possibility of someone in MMET needing to see Christ through me was more important. As small as this might seem, this was a testing time in my faith. For years, I have said “I surrender all”, but here was the time I needed to act upon it. I am NOT saying that my previous plan was against God’s will; thankfully, the Lord has shown me that in that time previously, my plan WAS exactly where He wanted me. It just came to a time where, again in His perfect timing, He had something to amend. And now, I am excited to see where God takes me through this unique and hands-on MMET degree. I have not given up on my dreams; God is just taking me on a different path. Please do not read my words and see me as some sort of really good person because things worked out well and “I had the right response”. That came completely from the Lord; He was generous and graceful in gifting me with things I do not deserve, including dealing with changing majors. The attitude I hold is not of me, not in the slightest. It solely comes from the Holy Spirit who lives in me because God is generous and loves His children. That’s all.

Another incredible testimony comes from this semester as well. As a little bit of background, my family and I were never regularly on great terms. I withheld love and let resentment burn. Things between my family and me were broken for a decade. But yet again, God had other plans. In mid-October, I invited them down to College Station for a football game for my sister’s birthday (honestly, done out of obligation). Admittedly, I did not really want to spend a weekend taking care of them in my home and trying to ease a relationship that was only stress-inducing. But one afternoon, as I was walking around campus on a beautifully sunny day, I came to an abrupt realization that I was actually anticipating my family’s visit. I thought of my parents and my sister, and love came to mind. I was stopped in my tracks by this mindset, because it certainly was not of me. Why was I excited to see them? Oh, yeah right… because the Lord is bigger than my thoughts and can literally soften people’s hearts despite stubbornness against it. I had been praying, yet not actually meaning it, that God would change my heart from apathy to love. People had been telling me not to give up on these relationships, but I wanted to. When I prayed, it was along the lines of, “I’m supposed to love my family, but now that I’m gone I guess I don’t have to worry about that part because they’re four hours away.” Seriously. Yet despite my humanity, God radically and noticeably changed my heart, and the weekend was wonderful. Things are definitely not perfect now, but if you need proof that God changes hearts, see what He did with mine.

The three and a half months of each semester are unbelievably short, yet somehow so much is packed into those twelve or so weeks. The three points above were merely a few of countless memories and invaluable experiences I had this fall, but they were the most pivotal. This season concluded with the departure of graduating seniors (that is, the best friend who leaves the main character and the show is never the same after her farewell). In every good television show, each season has an overarching theme of some sort. I can say that mine, although such an analogy is rather tragically cliché, is indubitably learning and holding onto the fact that God’s timing and plans are perfect. Also, Netflix is actually an addictive drug, but that’s beside the point.

  

//the meaning of ink

As a final hoorah to this summer, I made myself write another post about a random topic. A fun fact about me, Alicia Guthrie, is that I have two tattoos. One is on my left ribcage, and the other is on my left foot. Both concealable, both potent, my tattoos are significant works of art painted on my canvas.  

My first tattoo:: done at Taboo Tattoo in Dallas, Texas

 

My favorite band is the Killers. Everyone knows their classic hits, but they have a song “Be Still” on their 2012 Battle Born album that never seems to make the radio:

Be still

And go on to bed

Nobody knows what lies ahead

And life is short

To say the least

We're in the belly of the beast

Be still

Wild and young

Long may your innocence reign

Like shells on the shore

And may your limits be unknown

And may your efforts be your own

If you ever feel you can't take it anymore

Don't break character

You've got a lot of heart

Is this real or just a dream?

Rise up like the sun

Labor till the work is done

Getting these permanent words on my body is a reminder to never give up on Jesus, dreams, convictions, passions, and who I am. I refuse to break character and revert into someone I am not. If I were to throw any of those intrinsic things away, I would be reminded of failure and defeat every time I saw my tattoo. I would know I gave up on dreams I have had since I was young. But instead, I see my side and am reminded to persevere in the strength of the Lord, who always faithfully provides overflowing strength. The “so much heart” I have? Yeah, that’s directly from my Jesus. There have been countless times I felt I couldn’t take “blank” anymore, but it was in my weakest that the Lord was the most evident. I could never give up on what He has done for me. So I wake up every morning and labor until my work is done.

Then there’s the song’s title, “Be Still.” Psalm 46:10 has been a powerful reminder of my priorities. I get so wrapped up in the insanity and difficulties that is college at Texas A&M University. I become entirely useless because I am so anxious about everything. When I cannot sleep because I am overwhelmed, when I am beyond drained from running around constantly, when I am trying to tread water so rapidly merely to stay afloat… I need to be still, and know that He is God.

That’s it.

Nothing else is constant or can provide. He is God. That is all that matters. 

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

Psalm 46:10

 

So be still.

My second tattoo:: done at Freaks Tattoo on Broadway, KC

Summer 2015, I had one of the greatest adventures of my life when I lived in Kansas City, Missouri, for several months. Mid-June, Mattie and I decided to add to our repertoire, so we got the following tattoo on our feet:

 This minimalistic triangle is a typography glyph – basically an elemental symbol – that means “explore”. We chose this because we wanted to be reminded to never stop exploring. It is on my foot because my foot takes my body wherever I need to go. There is unimaginable adventure awaiting, but one misses it if she is afraid to explore, possibly get lost, or encounter the unknown. It is easy to take the comfortable path and go with what is known, but I want to explore further. Be scared. Be uncertain. But know God will take me places and teach me lessons that are only obtained way beyond what’s comfortable. Plus adventuring is so much fun.

             

But exploration does not stop on earth. I want to have a career promoting exploration beyond our earth. There is so much out there that God has created for us to see and worship Him for, and I want to be a part of that. Space exploration is my uninhibited passion, and now is the time to unite and support such global efforts. Sometimes I need the reminder on my foot that school is temporary, but the end results will be worth it.

Not only did God give us His truly awe-inspiring creation, but He also allows us to explore His character and personality and love. We can never comprehend Him fully, but we can always explore new facets of who He is and how He loves us. Indubitably, a relationship with Jesus is the best, never-ending adventure of an eternity.

The final layer of meaning behind my foot tattoo correlates to my passion for missions. Romans 10:13-15 beautifully says,

For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written,

“How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!”

 Not only do I want to explore God myself, but I want to explore this world WITH God as He directs my steps toward a life completely on mission. Whether that is in the workplace, a research lab, or a third world country, it does not matter. The crux is that a life with Jesus is the greatest adventure I can ever have, and my life boils down to this: explore the world, explore space, and explore God’s greatness.

Never stop exploring.  

//queue "Kansas City" by the new basement tapes

One precursory caveat: this is going to be a long overdue and rambling post, but what else are blogs really for, anyway?

This summer, I was notably absent from my previous homes of Greenville, Texas, and College Station. After an exhausting second semester, I moved to Kansas City with no plan and zero obligations. Such spontaneity is so unlike who I used to be; however, since beginning college I have decided unplanned adventures are pretty much the best thing ever. This summer with my best friends Larissa and Mattie has been sans pareil.

The first thing one should know about Kansas City is that the coffee scene is unparalleled. Larissa, Mattie, and I spent too much money and not nearly enough time sipping lattes while enjoying the finer elements of life – Netflix, books, and incredible conversations – at a myriad of local coffee shops, which will merit its own post in the future.  

Summer is such a grand time for reading. One can comprehend a person rather deeply through the types of literature they digest. Insert my pending

“List of Books This Summer that Made Me Think About Life Differently (Therefore You Should Read Them and We Should Talk About Them Together)”:

• The Island of Dr. Moreau, H. G. Wells – Wells indubitably delivered again
• A Clockwork Orange, Anthony Burgess - I really enjoyed this book, including Burgess’s use of Nadsat
• The Unwind Series, Neal Shusterman – I don’t care who you are or what you believe about the issue of abortion, you HAVE to read this most-provoking series
• Looking for Alaska, John Green – obligatory John Green fix
• Space Trilogy, CS Lewis – the first two are incredible Biblical allegories set on Mars and Venus, so of course I loved them, but I had to force myself to finish the third one

Now, as to what initially drew me to Kansas City: several years ago, God changed my life at the 2011 Onething Conference. I was then introduced to the 24/7 prayer ministry through the International House of Prayer (IHOP) based in #KCMO. Amazingly, our apartment was across the street from the prayer room, so I had the tremendous privilege of spending hours there, crying out to my Savior for guidance, forgiveness, encouragement, joy, and on behalf of my incoming Impact freshman. The prayer room is absolutely incredible; God provided so much renewal and strength at this venue. This summer, he has shown me how deeply and intensely I need him, and His forgiveness has become even more real and precious. 

I spent some time in the book of Hosea, which is perhaps one of my favorite books in the Bible. It is such a vivid illustration of our sinfulness and God’s incredible love and redemption. Israel (and I) have prostituted (cheapened) ourselves to sin countless times, leaving ourselves dirty and without worth. We did not know that the Lord “gave us the grain, wine, and oil, lavished on us silver and gold, which we used for Baal.” He has lavished us with such great gifts, yet we turn to whoredom and sinfulness time and time again. Yet, he is waiting for us to return so we can resume our position as the bride – “My People”, he calls us. He will have mercy on us, who deserve none. The imagery of us as prostitutes, yet the Lord redeeming us again and again like Hosea did for Gomer, is so descriptive and humbling, and I cannot get over it. Just pause and consider the depth of what Hosea portrays.

I told you this post would be rather staccato, so as to continue in this style, some highlights:

May 31:: Day One of “What Happens in Apartment #2D Stays in Apartment #2D” (i.e. I moved in)

June 1:: Matty’s Adoption Day

Mattie, Larissa, and I adopted an amazing cat from the Kansas City Pet Project (10/10, get animals from there, it’s the best). When we got him, we had no idea how much we would grow to adore him and his unique personality. Now he’s pretty nifty to have around, and by that I mean he’s the best cat ever.

June 14:: My Second Tattoo

Insert additional controversial opinion: I really like and appreciate tattoos. They are the coolest form of indelible art; I just love them so much. So when I was approached with the idea of getting another tattoo with Mattie and Izza, of course I agreed. This is the final product:

We went to Freaks on Broadway (10/10 by the way) to get our glyph tattoos. This symbol means “explore”, and I chose this for a couple reasons. For me, tattoos are a means to never give up on something. As they are permanent, I do not want to look back on my tattoos in a couple decades and regret giving up on something every time I see that motivation permanently etched on my body. Therefore, I do not want to regret choosing the boring and knowns paths instead of seeking out the Great Perhaps. Additionally, one of my favorite ways to spend time with my friends is adventuring, which I did countless times this summer. Our marked feet led the way, and the memories we made were incredible. Finally, I want a life marked by exploring, wherever it is that God leads me. Hence the immortal reminder.

June 26:: Supreme Court Decides to Legalize Gay Marriage

One of the most pivotal and tumultuous days this summer, this day caused me to question my beliefs on homosexuality and my role as a Christian in response. I have to admit, I am still seeking the Lord’s conviction and direction as to what I myself personally believe regarding this issue, but notably, I realized IT IS COMPLETELY ALRIGHT, if not preferable, to sometimes hold the opinion of, “I don’t know. I don’t have a definite opinion.” I want to own my decisions, not have them forced upon me by one side or the other. Sometimes, open minds can reach people further than decisiveness. My sole opinion on this issue is that we as the church can have differing opinions, and that’s vital and healthy. But we absolutely cannot allow these differences in beliefs, convictions, doctrines, or political views become divisive. Differences need to be catalysts, not dividers.

We can be different, but we cannot afford to be divided.

July 14:: Entry-to-Major Decisions Released

July 24:: Fall Out Boy Concert

Another summer activity is the obligatory road trip. Mattie, Izza, and I made the voyage down to Houston with my thirteen-year-old sister Amber to meet some of my college friends for a Fall Out Boy concert. I firmly believe in allowing people to pursue things they love {music absolutely being one}, and there is just something about seeing your favorite band live in concert. Prelude to this trip, my sister and I did not exactly get along before I went to college. #understatementofthecentury However, being able to spend a weekend with her in a way that we never had the freedom to before, and giving her the ability to truly enjoy something she adores, was surprisingly amazing. I hoped to heal a little of the familial burns that have occurred at home by parents and myself alike. Why should someone prevent you from being passionate about something – even if it is a band? Looking back, I have realized such suppression can create a mentality that prevents someone from having any kind of passion for anything or anyone… Deep point of this blog, if you are not allowed to be yourself and get excited about small things, how can you be truly zealous of our amazing Savior and Father? If you are told that the things you love (miniscule or not) are unimportant, just phases, or dumb, those comments can build subconscious stoicism and inexpressiveness. Y’all, it is completely alright to be a raving fan of something… anything! Let people love things, and encourage their passions! Seriously, even little things can affect the way someone views God, and that specific relationship right there is so much more important than whether or not your teenage daughter likes a band that cusses a couple times. Yes, I did utilize heathen music to justify a point about God.   

However, the most incredible realization this summer was that it is ok to fall in love with people. People are innately intriguing; their stories, passions, talents, desires, idiosyncrasies, and dreams are so beautiful: that spark in their eyes when they talk about how God is authoring their lives, the too-short conversations about what’s beyond the universe, the pure encouragement and friendship they offer me, their admirable transparency and vulnerability, their drive to pursue incredible things, the decisions they make spontaneously... We are mind-blowing creations.

I love people, but I do not mean this romantically. Every place I go, every person I meet, I’ll fall a little in love with, and they will take a part of my heart. I only hope to return and reunite it again. Kansas City, thank you for the artisan caffeine supply, endless adventures, new revelations, great friends, and a fantastic summer. I am leaving with a full heart and shall return at the next opportunity.     

 “Would things be easier if there was a right way? Honey, there is no right way. And so I fall in love just a little, oh a little bit every day with someone new.” Hozier

untitled

"I adored and feared you knowing you'd break my heart, my heart that had never before been broken because never before so exposed."

~Joyce Carol Oates, Three Girls 

//Stories about Terrorists

Last Tuesday, Breakaway, a Bible study on the campus of Texas A&M, launched the Shalom project. It is a movement to respond to the hatred and terrorism in Nigeria, Iraq, and Iran with the victorious love of God. That night, I became starkly aware of the heart-wrenching extent of religious persecution worldwide. Admittedly, I knew it was happening, but the fact that persecution today is more rampant than any other time in history blindsided me. At first, I wanted to cry for my brothers and sisters enduring unimaginable horrors. Then I became so angry at the faceless men running the terrorism show. And then God showed up with His revelation.   

GUYS. Paul, the most influential person to Christianity after Jesus, was a terrorist before he met God. He persecuted and killed countless Christians. Check out Acts 9:1-19 for the details, but essentially:

PAUL WAS THE ISIS OF HIS TIME.

But, continue reading the New Testament and examine how God RADICALLY changed Paul’s life... it's CRAZY. My point is:

NO ONE IS EVER TOO FAR GONE FROM THE SAVING LOVE OF JESUS.

YOU

ARE NEVER TOO FAR GONE

WE CAN NEVER GIVE UP HOPE ON ANYONE.

God can change the ugliest of hearts into something unimaginably beautiful for His glory. We cannot hate the terrorists of ISIS and the other factions. Yes, what they are doing is abhorrent, unjust, and evil, but we have to respond with love, prayer, and forgiveness. God promises in 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Let me reiterate: HE IS FAITHFUL TO FORGIVE FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS. There is no sin too great that He will not forgive it.

Who knows if the next Paul - a person who will rise up in these turbulent end times more boldly than New Testament Paul - just hasn't traveled his road to Damascus yet?

~~~

alicia//

http://breakawayministries.org/Events/Shalom-Project