//CLASSIFIED: My Mother's Time as a Government Spy

Today's admittedly melodramatic blog is composed of little to no profundity, other than revealing the secret past of my mother as a spy for the FBI, DOD, and possibly Canada (it's all classified). Because of previous experience in confidential governmental affairs, she requested her name to remain anonymous - after all, Mother knows best.

Nonetheless, prepare to be enlightened, as people are never whom they seem to be.

It is rare for memorable occurrences to happen to our family, so when they do, one must take note. I chose to shoulder the responsibility. After going to Wichita Falls for an amazing weekend (CEL: Dallas Edition rules them all, by the way), I arrived home this evening to find out our home was visited, intentionally, by a police officer in the wee hours of the morning. My father's initial thought this morning was, "Oh my gosh, something tragic happened to Alicia."

Quickly, he was informed the culprit was not me, but rather my mother. She was under arrest forthwith for breaking probation.

Um. whoops?

Here I was, thinking I truly knew my mother. It appeared I was grossly mistaken.

So, to avoid the major issue of *jail time*, my family fled and left coordinates for me to follow (which have been made irrecoverable through appropriate cremation and flushing). I am currently on a plane to an undisclosed location in Asia to escape retribution and familial takeover by the Greenville Sherrif's Department. Currently, I am quickly learning how to scramble the location on my laptop  (Thanks, Felicity Smoak), so no one can find my family because of my "minor" obsession with social media that I adamantly refuse to give up merely because we're escaping for our lives. Don't worry, I can and will still Facebook stalk you.

-OR-

Apparently, a second person, who was born four years after my mother and shares her exact name, also resides in Greenville. Our address was given as a frightening fluke, to the inadvertent chagrin of said officer. At least, this was how my father debriefed the situation.

I happen to prefer the initial version and probably shouldn't have laughed as much as I did when I heard my father's rendition. Seriously, how many times does one arrive home to learn her mother was nearly arrested for escaping jail and breaking probation? AND SERIOUSLY, how many She-Who-Does-Not-Want-To-Be-Named live in GREENVILLE, of all places??

I believe the truth is that her time as a government spy has finally caught up with her.


**DISCLAIMER: in the eyes of my former high school classmates, my mother's work in the Department of Defense performing intensive background checks in an era that was pre-Internet and pre-social media is synonymous with clandestine FBI spy work. Yeah, I'm calling you out Luke. The validity of his preconception ought to be objectively compared to my father's version.

Additionally, I deliberated whether or not to include how wonderful my mom is and how much I love her - not only for being a suspected government spy in hiding, but also for her patience, compassion, and support for the past nineteen rocky years. I shan't, though, because that invokes the depth and profundity I promised not to include.

Either way, sometimes I experience terribly inconvenient periods where I am beyond exhausted yet cannot sleep because of inescapable ideas in my head stemming directly from too much Netflix binging over Christmas break. I blame the CW for right now.