//character development

The other day, I watched a lot of Netflix (and by a lot, I mean a season and a half of The Walking Dead in a single day, no regrets). One of the reasons I hate (actually love) this show is because of the utterly brilliant growth of characters. The initial dichotomy of good and evil becomes so convoluted and intertwined it is impossible to know what the characters will do. Indubitably, character development is what draws us to these insane shows with mad passion. It is because we all relate profoundly to the various aspects and struggles these characters face in their fictional worlds.

If this semester were to be a season in a show of my life, I would say it would be a memorable one; one I will look back on frequently as a site of radical alteration and serious growth as a person. And it started with a bang. Picture a fiercely independent, yet totally naïve main character (aka me) preparing to trudge through another semester of uncertainty. Opening scene of the season, I was totally blindsided by the ascending prominence of a previously minor character. In other words, I began dating. For the first time ever. Insert massive panic. Even though this guy had become one of my best friends throughout the year, I was in shock for… a long time. Growing up, I had subconsciously began to believe there was something fundamentally wrong with me as a person because society said value was found in guys liking you, and none ever seemed to. Ergo, I was not beautiful or worthy of love. Well let me pause to say, screw society. There is nothing wrong with you, man or woman, if you have never dated, even if you’re deep into college and everyone around you is getting rings by spring. I realize now – after so long – I am beyond grateful God did not place anyone in my life prematurely, because I would have seriously messed it up. Because of this, I can honestly say I am one of very few who avoided immense amounts of pain and heartbreak from previous, empty, pointless relationships, for which I am so thankful. I wish I could go back and tell insecure, teenage and freshman Alicia, with her façade of confidence, that God has something He was going to introduce in His perfect timing. God has blown my mind with his perfect timing, evidenced by the amazing relationship I was beginning. And because I was entering into a completely new ball game, I was forced to rely on the Lord and the wise, godly counsel around me to learn the rules and the playing field. I had ZERO clue what I had gotten myself into; therefore, I could not try to control everything myself. It is super cool how faithful the Lord is in showing up and guiding when things are totally out of your control. How infinitely forgiving He is. How beautiful something can turn out when its foundation’s epicenter is Christ.

  

So insert a few episodes about amazing dates, tragic Aggie football games, and countless hours spent studying. Everything is reasonably smooth sailing, but everyone can feel the building pressure of some upcoming event: deciding what to do for the rest of my life. If you have read my past blogs, you know my dream is to work for NASA or some other company in the space field after obtaining my aerospace engineering degree. Mid-sophomore year, I had my second chance to apply for entry-into-major (I was rejected in the initial summer round). Based upon my grades freshman year (want to hear a joke? My freshman year GPA), I knew acceptance into aero would be a miracle. Thankfully I follow a God of miracles. When I sent my application, I had applied for two highly competitive majors and two majors I knew I could get in to. I clicked submit and then incessantly prayed for God to open the door He wanted open, close all the other doors that needed to be shut, and make it so evident that I could not argue or doubt myself. Well, He did that, and I got my answer back mid-semester. One door was open; all the others were shut in very, very blatant ways. I was accepted into Mechanical and Manufacturing Engineering Technologies (MMET, remember this acronym)… not Aerospace. Here I faced a choice. I knew the amount of prayer from me, and from countless people around me, regarding this circumstance meant this was one-hundred percent, unarguably God’s plan. Was it what I wanted? Absolutely not. Was this God calling me to surrender all of my life – like I’ve sung in worship for all my life but never truly had to live out in a difficult way – including lifelong dreams and aspirations? Yes. Was I heartbroken? I’m going to be honest, yes. This decision was difficult; it’s that plot twist you really did not want to happen. Was it easy to choose God’s plan over my human tendencies toward anger and disappointment? No, it was not. However, I had prayed so sincerely for doors to be opened and others to be closed and for it to be blatantly evident; therefore, I could not argue. This was a supremely rare occasion where God answered my prayer clearly. So as much as my human frailty wanted to argue and kick and scream, I could not. Here, I had to decide whether my own plans or the possibility of someone in MMET needing to see Christ through me was more important. As small as this might seem, this was a testing time in my faith. For years, I have said “I surrender all”, but here was the time I needed to act upon it. I am NOT saying that my previous plan was against God’s will; thankfully, the Lord has shown me that in that time previously, my plan WAS exactly where He wanted me. It just came to a time where, again in His perfect timing, He had something to amend. And now, I am excited to see where God takes me through this unique and hands-on MMET degree. I have not given up on my dreams; God is just taking me on a different path. Please do not read my words and see me as some sort of really good person because things worked out well and “I had the right response”. That came completely from the Lord; He was generous and graceful in gifting me with things I do not deserve, including dealing with changing majors. The attitude I hold is not of me, not in the slightest. It solely comes from the Holy Spirit who lives in me because God is generous and loves His children. That’s all.

Another incredible testimony comes from this semester as well. As a little bit of background, my family and I were never regularly on great terms. I withheld love and let resentment burn. Things between my family and me were broken for a decade. But yet again, God had other plans. In mid-October, I invited them down to College Station for a football game for my sister’s birthday (honestly, done out of obligation). Admittedly, I did not really want to spend a weekend taking care of them in my home and trying to ease a relationship that was only stress-inducing. But one afternoon, as I was walking around campus on a beautifully sunny day, I came to an abrupt realization that I was actually anticipating my family’s visit. I thought of my parents and my sister, and love came to mind. I was stopped in my tracks by this mindset, because it certainly was not of me. Why was I excited to see them? Oh, yeah right… because the Lord is bigger than my thoughts and can literally soften people’s hearts despite stubbornness against it. I had been praying, yet not actually meaning it, that God would change my heart from apathy to love. People had been telling me not to give up on these relationships, but I wanted to. When I prayed, it was along the lines of, “I’m supposed to love my family, but now that I’m gone I guess I don’t have to worry about that part because they’re four hours away.” Seriously. Yet despite my humanity, God radically and noticeably changed my heart, and the weekend was wonderful. Things are definitely not perfect now, but if you need proof that God changes hearts, see what He did with mine.

The three and a half months of each semester are unbelievably short, yet somehow so much is packed into those twelve or so weeks. The three points above were merely a few of countless memories and invaluable experiences I had this fall, but they were the most pivotal. This season concluded with the departure of graduating seniors (that is, the best friend who leaves the main character and the show is never the same after her farewell). In every good television show, each season has an overarching theme of some sort. I can say that mine, although such an analogy is rather tragically cliché, is indubitably learning and holding onto the fact that God’s timing and plans are perfect. Also, Netflix is actually an addictive drug, but that’s beside the point.