Tonight while studying for my metallic materials summer
class, I had a self-revelation. If you know me at all, you probably know I hate
talking about feelings (this is not the revelation, this is an obvious statement). I like logic, facts, stated problems, and definite
solutions. For an example, see first sentence: metals, like the steels I was
studying, don’t talk back and ask you why you're feeling sad – hence why I like them.
Other things I don’t like include the test I have on Thursday, uncertainty
about my future, and processing emotions. That’s fine, friends. I’m who I am; and
you are who you are. But let me explain an overlooked and massively incorrect perspective
I realized tonight that I am holding, and I’m pretty confident at least someone
else here on earth holds as well:
The
Lie
Being
vulnerable and sharing what’s really going
on in my life is selfish. I’m making people listen to my petty issues,
wasting their time, complaining, being melodramatic, making mountains out of
molehills, etc. My pain is so insubstantial compared to ___. So Alicia, you
should probably just not bother anyone ever.
Let me explain: someone asks you, “How are you?” You have
basically two options: you’re fine, or you tell the truth, which requires more
than a measly, single syllable. But to share that you’re stressed, hurting, in
pain, depressed, anxious takes too much of someone’s time. They don’t really
care, and you don’t want to inconvenience them by burdening them with your
problems. But, as reiteration, that's a lie straight from Satan that deserves NO power over you or over me.
It is true, when a friend confides in me, I hurt for them…
but am never burdened by them or their bravery. I want to fix their problems
and comfort them and remove the source of agony. But – here’s the revelation –
that’s how we were created! We are all broken people surrounded by more broken
people who were created to be able to trust each other and carry each other’s burdens with
strength that comes from the Living God. But how can we do that if we don’t
ever let anyone see who we really are? (Rhetorical question pointed at myself... even though I am willing to listen to other people when they come to me, why do I fear the inverse?)
What I invaluably realized today (instead of what steel element has
what alloying feature) is that being vulnerable is NEVER selfish. I’m not relying
on other people to save me, I’m already saved. If you – like me – have been chained
by the lie that acting in the character you were created to have is wrong,
please learn with me that vulnerability (ooh, buzz word) is not selfish. If you
really need to talk to someone, call them up any time. Ask them to stay up a
little later, ask them to sacrifice a little time. That’s not being self-centered, it’s
showing humility. Everyone has issues, and we all need someone to listen.
Darling, be daring and ask for help. The healing and relief that comes after opening
up is seriously physically healthy. I'm still working on this but can attest, this is truth.
Friends, I want to encourage everyone to be more willing
when someone comes needing a friend. If someone is waiting for an opportunity
but already massively hesitating, your closed door and closed heart could destroy
any confidence. Fear of vulnerability is being afraid to have your heart
broken. It’s avoiding pain. So when people like me do share our hearts with
you, understand the magnitude and weight of our choice. Do not stomp on us or
judge us. Because if you do, we will involuntarily shut down and shut you out
in an instant. We must all realize that the people around us are
indubitably more valuable than our schedules or to do lists.
One final thing I want to mention, not only should our hearts break with the broken, but we should rejoice together at the supremely great parts of life. Share in struggles; share in victories. Our victories will be even more powerful when experienced with someone who can truly celebrate alongside us. This takes time too, but if relationships are going to grow, time must be spent in mutual joy as well. Life is short; savor every moment and learn from the bitter.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
