//Reflections

~and thus concludes my first semester of college~

This ought not to be a surprising milestone, since millions of previously naive, confident, and excited high school graduates undergo this rite of passage every fall. However, this semester was NOTHING like I anticipated. Although I never vocalized them, I admittedly had a plethora of subconscious expectations. I hoped for some friends in my classes, a church I could call home, a roommate I could tolerate, a neat little 4.0, and time to go dancing at Hurricane Harry’s. Come August, I was anxious but so excited to begin my new life of liberty, learning, and the pursuit of engineering. I thought I was ready for a challenge.

Fun fact: engineering students are some of the few (or only) undergrads to refer to themselves as their occupation premature to actually achieving said career. You do not hear medical students calling themselves doctors and surgeons; education majors do not automatically deem themselves teachers; business students are not CEOs. Engineers, however, do. Eventually, I assumed this as a facet of my identity too. "Yeah, I'm a freshman aero engineer."

Man, I had so much confidence going into college.

Then I learned why Texas A&M University is so renowned. They don't hand out engineering degrees on silver platters to people who WANT them. You may get into the program, but that does not mean you will last through it. A&M cultivates incredible graduates, but the process is far from trivial. And from my perspective, it seems nearly impossible. How badly do I want this degree?

Over the past four months, I have failed and been beaten down, blindsided, frustrated, and discouraged – and those are just my mental games. It seemed like almost everything that could have gone wrong, did. The undeniable danger of failing classes, check. A M.I.A. wallet, of course. Spending an obscene percentage of my time in Evans and the Annex, ashamedly true. An unrelenting cough, hah. Missing the funeral and memorial service for my grandfather - who is the reason I am pursing aerospace engineering - happened. Doubting my future career was probably an hourly thought. The challenges I had asked for certainly delivered.

However, everything possibly positive occurred in overwhelming abundance. I was not paired with one merely tolerable roommate, I gained four new best friends in my suite mates. 

My other Aggie friends, from Impact, Mosher, classes, and around campus, have become vital support in academics, my faith, and life in general.

Perhaps the greatest overflow of God's provision was through one of my organizations, Christian Engineering Leaders. I was introduced to it by this one girl, Hannah, who always seemed to be at their booth –

every.

single.

time.

It's almost like I could not avoid her, and I am so thankful I didn't. She has become indescribably significant to me, and I have only known her for three and a half months. The others are just as amazing, and I love them so, so much. My heart is so full thinking about my new family. We had Thanksgiving together, and the elders even ask (demand) food from us underclassmen, so obviously we're a family, since the older siblings terrorize the younger ones. But more importantly, we are a family focused primarily on living for Jesus alone; together, we are pursuing careers where we can share the all-powerful, all-forgiving, never-relenting love of God. In everything CEL does, it glorifies Christ and demonstrates His love. I can only describe it as similar to the early church, where everything began:

“And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common.” Acts 2:42-44

Another answer to prayer is my church and life group. God Himself is tangibly present through the college students in my life group with Antioch Community Church. Corporate worship is amazing, and the community is incredible. He has been affirming my call and dreams through people like Erika and Lila. Their encouragement and visions don't make the challenges less intimidating, but they are definitely more possible! God is AT WORK in College Station!!!

Lessons are not learned from blissful experiences. It is the weeks – the ones where I want to bang my head with my physics and calculus books so something might finally make sense and sleep away the rest of the week because I can't do anything – that teach the harshest, but most rewarding, lessons. These are the times where I have to intentionally rely on Jesus for wisdom, strength, energy, and love, and He is SO GOOD to provide!!

Someone told me one night the things I have experienced thus far are like the wrapping paper on Christmas presents. Yes, it's shiny and entertaining and great, but there is an unimaginably more wonderful gift inside simply waiting to be opened. God wants me to accept more from Him, to go deeper, trust Him more intensely, and love more passionately. What a gift God has for me! His gift is for me, for such a time as this.

The greatest encouragements come straight from His word. The following verses fueled me through long, arduous weeks of unrelenting academia and stress:

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.” Colossians 3:23-24

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

“Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God." 2 Corinthians 3:5

  

I've been trying to read through Job, and albeit different situations, the struggle and necessity of reliance on God are similar:

“With God are wisdom and might; he has counsel and understanding.” Job 12:13

“For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease.” Job 14:7

No one reading my blog better say, "I told you so, I told you college was going to be hard." I'm stubborn enough to learn lessons on my own, and oh, how significant they have been! I’ll finish with a quote from a book I read in my philosophy class by Simone De Beauvoir, a known existentialist philosopher. In her Ethics of Ambiguity, she wrote, “When an effort fails, one declares bitterly that he has lost time and wasted his powers. The failure condemns that whole part of ourselves which we had engaged in the effort… There are people who are filled with such horror at the idea of a defeat that they keep themselves from ever doing anything.”

Yes, I failed countless times. But that man mentioned above was not me. I was willing to take a chance, and reflecting back, my efforts were never wasted.

“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” 

1 Corinthians 15:58

//mine

In college, one does not have very much (ha! rather, ANY) time to read for pleasure. But there are some books that demand to be read. The Screwtape Letters is one such work. After years of wanting to read it, I finally sat down a few weeks ago at my favorite place outside on campus (the garden at Mitchell Physics) and began to digest it. Halfway through, I wish I had not delayed. Already, C.S. Lewis has pointed out several things that have slapped me across the face with conviction: particularly our infatuation as humans with possession.

For the past four years, I have been involved with a philanthropic organization doing child sponsorship for children in the Dominican Republic. My mission trips to the DR are stories for other times; but, needless to say, the people I met in those villages changed my life and commandeered part of my heart. I love the people down there, and I cannot stand to see them lacking daily necessities. So, when I heard of the child sponsorship program, I immediately seized the opportunity. Several months later, I was able to meet the girl I sponsored, Carolina, in person, which was absolutely incredible. I cannot explain in words how full my heart was those days.

Afterwards – after seeing this incredible girl and putting a face to whom I thought my sponsorship money was going – I learned the organization had only sent a very irregular and, additionally, minuscule portion of the money they accumulated monthly to the DR. I saw evidence on the trip, but I wanted to believe the best. When I heard the details of the diversion of funds, I was livid. Who did people think they were, assuming the sponsorship money belonged to them? Like they possessed it? It was absolutely infuriating. This money did not in any way belong to them. It belonged to God to be used to “to look after orphans and widows in their distress.” Over the next few months, I couldn't stop thinking about this injustice. I was personally offended and angry – and I do not see anything wrong with this righteous anger. That’s not the point.

The point arrived when I read The Screwtape Letters. A high-ranking demon, Uncle Screwtape, is instructing a younger demon, Wormwood, on the ins and outs of manipulating humanity. In Letter Twenty One, Screwtape explains to Wormwood the delicate task of leading his subject away from “The Enemy” (God) using discrete and, frankly, frightening methods. Screwtape's profound advice is,

"He regards his time as his own and feels that it is being stolen. You must therefore zealously guard in his mind the curious assumption ‘My time is my own’. Let him have the feeling he starts each day as the lawful possessor of twenty-four hours… The humans are always putting up claims to ownership which sound equally funny in Heaven and in Hell and we must keep them doing so… We have taught men to say ‘my God’ in a sense not really very different from ‘my boots’, meaning ‘the God on whom I have a claim for my distinguished services and whom I exploit from the pulpit – the God I have done a corner in.’" (Lewis, C. S. The Screwtape Letters. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 2001. Print.)

He continues with, “They will find out in the end, never fear, to whom their time, their souls, and their bodies really belong – certainly not to them, whatever happens.”

Dang.

In my obsession with the faults of the above organization, I never considered how I hold unrelentingly to my possessions – particularly TIME. When I thought of the embezzlement situation, I wanted to go after the organization leaders and slap them across the heads with both the Bible and C.S. Lewis’s book, and on behalf of the batey. But I am not free of fault.

My biggest issue with Christians is the flooding hypocrisy in EVERYTHING. But, who am I to accuse other of duplicity when I too am failing? When I accuse others of not being good stewards of God’s resources (in this case, money), I must evaluate my own stewardship. I cannot condemn others of wasting physical resources when I am simultaneously wasting my time.

A Convicting List of Specific Things I Think Belong to Me:

The ability to wake up in the morning

Time

Grades/academic success

Friends

My looks

My talents and skills

Things That Actually Belong to Me:

Yeah… exactly.

As humans, we are empty vessels. Either we are empty, or we are filled with the Holy Spirit. We own absolutely nothing. Each day, God wakes us up and gives us a limited - yet overabundant - amount of resources. What we do with them is our choice. Most notably is time. Time is not something we can hold or manipulate; it is a gift given to us by God. It’s my responsibility to therefore use my time for His glory and His fame, and if I don’t, then it’s my responsibility to shut up about other people. Instead, I should lift them up in prayer, because there is nothing I can do to change or control that situation. God is the only who can change people's hearts. 

That's the point.  

Finally, if you have not read The Screwtape Letters, read it now over a cup of coffee or hot tea and plenty of time to think. It's thought-provoking to say the least.

~~~

alicia// 

// I'm Subpar at Introductions

Howdy! My name is Alicia Guthrie, and I am a freshman engineering student at Texas A&M University. 

I am exactly where God wants me... with no idea what I am doing. 

College so far has been a hurricane of change, but God has been my unchanging, never wavering constant. I am striving to pursue Him with everything, which is the point of my existence and where I base my identity.  

As an engineering student, I do not have a plethora of outlets to write freely. Therefore, I am determined to start a blog. I am not singularly dimensioned; I cannot express myself mathematically like I can through the convoluted miracle of the English language. To quote my favorite movie, Dead Poets Society, "Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry [and writing], beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." Keep in mind, I am proud of my tendency to make up words, so enjoy that. Essentially, I process things by journaling and writing through them: even when I have no time. Hopefully, this blog will be a nifty way to share, albeit irregularly, some of my random thoughts. 


~~~~
Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary,

alicia//